carcar_says_ily

g'nite

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 02:59:55 GMT

i reallllyyyy want to be able to keep up with this thing like i used to.

i never seem to write anympre.

so from july8-18 im i FL =[
i really dont like being here.
i hate being away from all my friends, and greg.

but i hate being paranoid, i hate worrying.
i really think im happy again.
i want it to stay that way.
i hate how things are awkward when im away.

i hate thinking to much.
i hate assuming the worst.

i wish more people understood me.

i wish i was more into livejournal, so more people could read this and help me understand.

oh well.

ahhhhhhh.
dude, ive had the same damn livejournal pic for over a year.
haha, thats bad.

im far too lazy.

at the moment, i really have to pee, but im too lazt to make the effort to actually get uo to walk the 6 feet out of my room to the bathroom.
oh well, ill deal.

so Fl isnt that bad this year on a count that im not staying teh entire summer, just 10 days.
but ive been here for 1 day, and i was working all day.
babysitting, loading & unloading a moving van, carrying boxes, organizing.
ugh

but i drove on 95 for the first time.
im getting pretty good, i wish greg would trust me with driving his car, but he'll learn. lol

i miss him, thats so bad its been like 2 days, not even.
i just really enjoy seeing him.

ahhhh
everytime im in Fl my lj enentries are 24502470524 pages long.

so im gonna leave it @ that.

g'nite

arrrrrrrrrrg

Thu, 31 May 2007 02:16:20 GMT

why dont i know what i want anymore?

i wish i had a fairy god mother who would make decisions for me.

i wish i could take my own advice.
i need to take it now more than ever.

i need so much, that i just dont seem to get.
i want to much, that i just dont see to have.

i love what i have so much.

i wish others would see how great it is.
i wish others wouldnt judge me.
i wish others wouldnt lie.

i do know what i want, its just a matter if i receive it or not.

wow

Fri, 04 May 2007 01:56:13 GMT

ive realized i havent writen on here in lets say ever.

adn its been far too long to recap.
so im starting anew.

i need more confidence.
i need more trust.
i need to start anew.

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 01:15:49 GMT

things are finally starting to seem like they are getting pretty close to normal again.
i cant wait.

things are going right for once.

but i hope i dont speak too soon.
i will no long be a naive girl.

but i stand for what i know, adn what i belive in.

baby, i believe in us.

ahhhhhh

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 01:01:03 GMT

i cant believe this has happened.

i dont want it to be over.
i wont let it be over.

but theres nothing i can do.

i wish he could see what i see, miss what i miss.
i dont understand.

i feel he's hiding so much.

life is hard without you.

[my fingers hurt, i got whailed in the hand today with a lax ball, they made me goalie]

lifes amazing

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 01:47:24 GMT

life is so bipolar.

one day it hates me.
the next its finally starting to look our for me.

its truely amazing.

im tired of crying.
but ive never been happier to cry before in my whole life.
i never understood teh the whole concept of crying for joy.

but when all your expecting is the worst,
and the outcome is the best thing imaginable,
there is alot to be happy & thankful for.

praying, sitting, waiting, anticipating;
its all paid off.
all my efforts, even though unresponded,
came back.
they realized things for the best.

i hate this though.
i hated the thought of loosing people.
i dont wanna loose him.
i dont wanna loose any good friends in the process.

i wish i could understadn a little more.
but i dont wanna complex things any further.
i know now that everyhting will finally be okay.
at least that is all i can hope for.

i dont wanna feel like im in competition.
i just want things to be normal.
but im afraid things arent going to be able to be normal again.

but the hardest we can try.
cause together we've made it through so much lately.
together is how we'll make it.

im done hurting for good.
=]

far away

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 17:46:18 GMT

things have felt so distant.
ive been not on for a while.
so many things have changed.
i hate having this bipolar relationship lately.

things were great.

things then got horribly worse.
when people stray,
hearts get broken.
lies & confuzion.
but i hold on?

i do.
i care to mich to let go.
i truely dont know what to believe.
but i do know what i want to believe.
and thats where im staying.
i feel things with time will heal & get better.
this realtionshio has had to much work put into it to give up.
but if a realatioship just becomes work, then theres no point.

i have to learn to trust again.
if there is no trust, there is no point.
he needs to prove & show me alot.
things are getting better.
adn this time i truely feel things will stay this way.

break was such a hard time, and i no longer will stand for my emotions being fooled with.
he knows it.
he's working on himself.
i'm working on us.
this will work

dispite many rumors, and underestimations, we will be together!
our love is too strong to break.
and i feel i can start things getting back to normal again.

hurt is still present.
anger is still present.
confusion is still present all in my mind.
but its all fading.
i dont want to dwell.

i love him.
i love us.

greg & carlyn 4L!

=]!

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 04:54:50 GMT

everyhting feels right for once in my life.
able to smile.
on top of the world.

i miss this feeling.
i feel wanted.
feel loved.
words cant describe.

my entire world almost came crashing down.
but we built it back up.
stronger than ever.
and it will never fall again.

never.

i love him forever & always

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 02:52:32 GMT

still sick.

i almost passed oput @ practice today.
i just dont have that type of energy cause im sick.
gross.
but i did manage to get two takedowns on a 135lb!
i think i'm wrestling tomarrow @ the tri-meet.
but lets just see if i even make weight.
my grandmother just made christmas cookies so im pretty much screwed.
i hope io get to.
i havent gotten to wrestle a real match on varisty yet this year.
i'm really nervous.
but i got a lot of compliments today @ practice for my bridge and lockup.
today was sooo sweaty.
i hate coming home drenched, especially when half the sweat isnt mine.
ew.

but then i rushed home to shower & such.
i had to go to a funeral viewing for my neighbor.
i cried. kinda alot. it was my first death with someone i was actually close to.
he's just so young, 45.
3 boys all under the age of 20, one still in 4th grade.
life's not fiar.
but at the viewing i saw alot of people i hadnt seen in a while
and my hair was really good today!
right after i washed it i straitened it, adn i got alot of complimets on how i looked & grown, littel stupid expected family stuff.
but it made me feel really good about myself cause i never get compliments except like my mom, or her friends.
and seldom friends.
but from the person that matters, never a one.
not like i go fishig for compliments, or that i need one, its just a nice confidence boost.

but i'm still really confuzed about alot of things.
i dont know what to think, or what he thinks.
or; i dont even want to think about it.
why do things change?

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 03:04:15 GMT

i'm pretty much sick.
its gross.
my immune system sucks.
im always some sort of sick, but its kinda bad.
my throat kills, and my nose is a waterfall.
lovely details i know.

but, so what is with me not being able to talk.
then crying so randomly all of a sudden.

i used to be really happy.
and now i can rarely find myself able to smile for a good reason.
meggie "you were liek sunshine, now carlyn your just rain"
why are these thing affecting my moods and changing me when they are someone elses problems.
i dont wanna be this way.
i wanna be happy.
but i need help.
it takes two,
need to realize alot.
need to figure out what he wants,
cause my emotions are being thrown around,
im not used to it, i cant handle it.

ive got some damn good friends who are helping me, adn i just wish i could understand more.

i wish i could get inside his mind;
just one time;
then things would be fine.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 05:38:52 GMT

so tonight.
im @ lindsey's
cause she's pretty damn cool.
my moms @ her boyfriends and left me @ home all day again today.
she really needs to get outta his ass.

things are getting wierd again.
some other person is scaring me & idk what to think.
its weird how sometimes poeple dont follow their own advice.
idk how they feel.
things are out of hand and i never know how to deal with anything anymore.

but i love lindsey adn it makes it all better.

dinner @ bertucci's w/ her crazy ass family is alwqays hilarious.
and her 247957234895724 siblings who are all under the age of 8.

then to Hampton, Baltimore where all the really pretty christmas lights...well kinda tacky christmas lights are.
but they are still really fun to look at.
and the entire state of maryland thinks so too.
cause its crowded as fuck.
we took some really sweet pictures.

then to jo-ann fabrics where we jacked liek the entire store for some beads adn string.
we made a shit load of bracelets and shes a good person to talk to.

im pretty sure greg got me sick.
i dont feel swell.
my throat was really sore yesterday adn early this morning.
then it was better.
now i cant breathe outta my nostrils.
well my right one.
its pretty gross.
and its not getting better.
and i ache.
i think its a mixture between wrestling practice pain & me being sick pain.

ughhhhh..

o well.
this is pretty much a really stupid venting post.
so im gonna stop.
so me & lindsey can finish watching Clueless.
thats so 90's.

Nutcracker in the morning!
YAY!

i hope things settle down adn i can understand.

10 months!

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 02:59:23 GMT

today month 10!
=]

yay.
im so happy we've made it this far.
all the good and few the bads this relationship has last.
no one else i would rather be with.
he's the only one who has ever made me feel this way.
and i never want it to end.
he makes me love him more & more everyday.
10months is a big deal to me idk why.
i've never been able to date anyone this long.
but greg's different, he holds my interest and i could never even think of anyone else.
he has taught me how to love and im grateful for all that he has given me.
i look forward to what teh future has in store for us.

[2 months until our one year!]

PS. if anyojne has christmas suggestions tell me please!!!!

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 01:48:08 GMT

so school today.
pretty much worst day ever.

well just my greg problmes.
being dick like.
crying in 3 classes doenst help.
or when he ignores me.

but his friends talked to him & made him understand.
and i had a long talk with him today.

the talk didnt go teh way i expected.
i froze.
but the outcome still seemed to work out the same way i wanted it too.
things seem as if they will be all better.
i just dont wanna jump the gun 2 quick.
this convo was only like 3 hours ago.
if that.

tomarrow and this next week will be the true test.
im excited.
i can t wait for things to be all back to the fun old way they used to be
=]]]

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 02:20:23 GMT

why does he not care.
why cant he just be happy for me?
why does he get mad @ me, when im trying so hard and all i want is him.
why?
why did they bench me tonight @ the match?
why havent we ever won a wrestling meet against dulaney?
why cant i be faster?
why cant he see how much i need him?
why is it that one day he can confess everything and then the next be this way?
why cant things be normal again?
why?

i miss it.
i want to prove my worth on the team.
varsity bitches.
but why dont i feel liek i deserve it?

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 03:22:41 GMT

boredd.
hate homework.
wish there was more time in the day just dedicated to sleeping.

yuzzers.

i dont even know

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 03:14:00 GMT

so basically.
i dont even know whats wrong with me.
i havent been truely happy in a long time.
i hate it how other peoples moods can have an effect on me.
i hate how i care so much.
i wish other people would care more.
i hate how i worry so much.
i miss how things used to be.
i dont know that they are even different.
they just feel different.
its just the "whole me worrying too much" thing.

i feel bad feeling this way.
but im just scared that he feels differently.

ughhh.

i just dont even know whats going on.
i want things to be normal again.

school sucks. ouch

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 04:19:15 GMT

so pretty much i cant stand school anymore.
school i mean i dont mind,
its homework on top pf clubs on top of field trips on top of sports along with frinds & greg that i just hate.

i just cant do it all.
im trying so hard.
it just is so fustrating

but in the end its all good and done.
just getting there is teh hard part.

i have Prinston Model Congress [geek thing] that im gonna be in DC for 4 ays.
missing 2 days of school.
tomarrow & friday.
like adn im scared to much i had to prepare for last minute along with alot of homework cause my classes are hard as tits.

but i just want to get this over with and skip all the make-up work.
im scared.
and i dont want greg to be mad @ me cause he gets upset when im @ my "geek functions" as he likes to call them.
i try to balance it all, just it doesnt always work.
i can only do so much.
and he's usually my top priority.
i just want to make him happy.
i just feel like i havent been able to do that lately.
=/

im beat.
wrestling practice the last two days were killer adn not the good way.
like intense.
like drop a baby off a building adn beat it w/ a bat intense.
then with homeowrk.
im pretty much hurting & tired.
those combinations make good sleep.

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 21:42:54 GMT

so pretty much.
i havent writen anything in here forever.

but today was supperrrr busy.

8AM on a sat. @ school decorating for homecoming tonight.
then walking in parade for Coalition [gay club]
then "pep rally", stupid as hell.
varsity game against towson.
14-10!

now im just chilling, im gonna start getting ready in bout an hour to go to kate's house.
greg & phil are comming, along with dominic.

greg's acting weird.
pretty much for the last 9247594275252946 months.
but idk. its most likely just me overanalyzing things.
i do that.

i cant wait for tonight though.
ilast years homecoming sucked my big toe.
so much drama, im ready for a fun homecoming.
theme : I ♥ New York
i got nominated for homecoming court.
most likely im not gonna win, danielle will.
just like last year, but she deserves it.

i hung out with tiffany pretty much all day.
shes amazing.
i had fun, adn ready to have some more.
after homecoming hot tubbing @ kates house!
thats the whooty woot!

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 23:19:14 GMT

i pretty much love life.

i wanna go see nightmare before christmas. 3D reallllll badddddd.

little merrrrrmaiidddddd

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 01:08:54 GMT

kay so.
ive come to teh conclusion

that im obsessed w/ The Little Mermaid.

its my favorite disney, adn i've always loved it.
but i got the special edition from my mommy, and now i find myself getting every single song stuck in my head.

and looking @ all teh special fetures makes me see how effin amazing this movie is.

im really intrigued to read the actuall book.

it makes me laugh how the animators got away w/ so much.

-cover & poster castles look liek penis's
-when priest is marring prince eric to ursula he has a boner
-when ariel get her human legs, you can see it </u>all</u>.

i remember being in 2nd grade and being ariel for halloween, adn throwing a fit in thte store cause i wanted the red wig, adn my mom wouldnt let me have it cause i already had red hair.
BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME!!!!!
i still want that wig.

but this year, im being batgrrrl for halloween.
mmhmm
greg's batman.
phil- robin
meggie- poison ivy
oliver?- joker

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 02:08:51 GMT

i liek how i havent been on here. in liek over a week.

not really.
thats pretty lame actually.

but yea.
camp was amazing.
not much else to say about that.

just got done some contour hand drawing art homework.
and all the other homeworks that came before it.

god i hate homework.
i dislike school.
i swear. i have senioritis adn im just a sophmore.
its pathetic.

i think postings are tomarrow to see if i made it into teh play or not.
"lend me a tenor"
its some funny shit.
i want julia.
but im pretty sure teh seniors are all gonna get teh parts.
im not getting my hopes up.

i know though if i dont get a part then i really should put my all into this wrestling season.
which im overweight for.
i have to work on that.
soon.

my best friedn who is 6 inches taller than men is 4 pounds light than me.
thats a big ego booster.
ughhh.
that put me in a bad mood.

theres so much to catch up on.

bubt im really tired.

until tomarrow.

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 10:34:08 GMT

dudeeeee.

of to student council camp.
hehe

im such a geek.
but im gonna have super fun like i do every year.

im leaving today during first period.
and wont be home til later saterday.

it makes me mad though.
casue it takes away from my weekend.
that normally would be going to go see jacks manniquin & my friend guineveres bday party.

but nope.
student council camp.
=/

i hate how greg has work everyday.
i never get to see him.
except for liek fridays.
it pretty much sucks.

he was all reall happy uyesterday adn it made me cheer up.
he sent me the cutest txt.

"i love you, and i love how you fill the hole in my heart just perfectly. its like a carlyn shaped puzzle piece"

i love him.

eeeeek!

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 23:47:56 GMT

i wish i knew how to make a LJ layout.

ughhhh.

this is ugly.

go die!

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 00:24:47 GMT

i love hanging out after school.
all the best friends.
just being silly.

its fun.
and a great a great opportunity for some mmm mmm good pictures.

zebras & giraffes r00l.

homework was light tonight.

omg.
i was watching news.
and my church got "go die!" & swasticas sray painted on it, adn windows broken.

i feel bad cause when i saw it i laughed.
i mean its a bad thing.
but i laughed seeing my pastor on TV.

i've concluded in a horrible person.

bored.

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 21:31:55 GMT

omg.

2 days of non-stop sudent council work.
im so exhausted.

i mean its fun; i know im a geek.
but so much work.
then comming home to homework doesnt help the headache any better.

i cant wait til ramblewood.
my student council camp i go to every year, but i like am staff, so i had to do a retreat which is whast i just got back from.

the people are cool, ive known them all for a while.
its all baltimore county, not just p-ville.

and beyond teh work, the staying up and only getting 4 hours of sleep doesnt help.

i liek cam home & crashed and took a long nap.
and im still exhausted.

and i havent seen greg all weekend, well except friday.
and his phone was off all day.
i just wanted to see him, but that loosk liek its not happening today.
so ive pretty much wasted the entire day doing homework & waiting him to call back.
but he was having fun adn now he's sleeping.
so i guess it coo.

ughhghghg, i hate homework.
but o well.

i dont feel good either, allergies are getting teh best of me.